i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
