Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
