Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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