Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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