Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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