in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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