dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
