those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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