remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
