I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
