quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
