My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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