i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
a search helicopter?!
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
