capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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