i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
