So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
