Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize