I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I enjoy the company of your penis
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
