just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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