I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
a search helicopter?!
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Someone came in the potted fern
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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