dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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