Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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