Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
