sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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