Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
