if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
