census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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