So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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