Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
