my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
