i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This is my gift to your gina
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
