Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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