You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
