oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize