Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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