ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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