Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
