Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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