I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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