ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
