i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize