I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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