I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
