my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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