You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hippo gnu deer
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
