I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
