Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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