piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the day after is always just damage control
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
