wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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