It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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