dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
