Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
