just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
