Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
