when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
