remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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