Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
