Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
