I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
