im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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