I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i permit you to call me
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize