Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
